My mother was regarded as one of the top members of the Awajima Revue Troupe.
A Hundred Scenes of AWAJIMA
I went out of my way to write about that in my school essays,
so that on parent visitation days when I would read them out loud,
all the parents in the back would just sigh.
Some of them proclaimed to be fans of my mother.
Unlike my mother, I wasn't cut out for acting.
I took voice and dance lessons from a young age, but I was never good at them.
The only one that I liked and kept up with was classic Japanese dance.
Shinji Hasegawa & Utako Natsuki
Say, sweetheart, you should try writing a script.
A script?
I think it was over New Year's...
I was around nineteen.
I was watching TV or something, eating mandarins.
I was dumbstruck.
That was just the kind of person my mother was.
She'd hit you out of left field, working backward from her own conclusions.
Honey! Could you give me a lift to the station?
What?
That came out of nowhere...
I've always liked writing and daydreaming.
But I rarely showed my mother any of it.
She was always so busy, my grandparents practically raised me.
That's just how things were for me.
It was more unusual for my parents to be home than away.
I'm sure I found it lonely as a child,
but before my mother was my mother,
she was the actress Utako Natsuki.
I wrote all sorts of lies at school.
About the goofy things Utako Natsuki would do at home.
About how she wasn't quite the ideal mother or wife
but nonetheless made things cozy.
I didn't want to gloat and make her sound perfect,
but I didn't want her to seem so silly as to be unlikable.
It's hard to strike a balance, but I loved the challenge.
My creative output didn't end there.
The protagonist of my stories was always my mother.
But that was always a secret from my classmates.
I was tasked with all the writing for our school plays.
I got a ton of practice with my craft.
My Family's Dining Table Shinji Hasegawa
I've never used an alarm clock. The frenetic noise coming from the kitchen—from my mother—was my alarm.
"My Family's Dining Table,"
with its light humor and modest embellishments,
National Writing Competition
wound up winning a prize.
Son of Popular Actress Takes First Place
My photo made national news.
Once they found out I was Utako Natsuki's son,
I was introduced alongside my mother in the weekly papers.
She was caught up in my make-believe stories, after all.
I was terrified of how angry she'd be once we got home.
She never scolded me.
Then again, she didn't praise me either.
Coconut
Volume 1
Theater and Literature Division, Shinji Hasegawa
Once I was in college, I wrote a faux stage play and self-published it.
Although I never thought I'd end up a scriptwriter.
I was chasing after an idealized image of my mother.
In a way, I'd made myself content by giving that illusion some shape.
It was just an off-the-cuff remark...
Say, sweetheart, you should try writing a script.
She was the one who gave me the push.
That's beautiful.
In truth, I wanted to be like my mother.
The mother I'd written was, in fact, about me.
The graceful Utako, the mysterious Utako, the silly Utako...
They were all who I wanted to be.
I'm home.
Oh, Dad, welcome back.
What's this? You going out?
On a date.
Grandma! You didn't need to mention that!
I'm off!
You said you had an interview today?
Yup.
I talked a lot about you.
Making things up again, I'm sure.
Nah, it was a pretty honest confession.
My father passed away when I was fifty.
My mother, who had been living with him until then,
said she wanted to move in with us.
That she loved my father dearly,
and that she was left feeling empty...
It was then that I learned I didn't know my mother at all.
Mother, what would you like for lunch?
What did we have yesterday again?
Oh, please, don't joke like that.
Seeing her laughing it up with my wife and children
and watering the trees and flowers, she's quite the endearing senior.
But I sometimes wonder...
if maybe my mother with us here now
is merely acting the part of the imaginary Utako Natsuki I wrote about.
I can't bring myself to stop chasing after Utako Natsuki.
Admitted Applicants
That's me...
It's hard to believe.
It's like I'm dreaming.
My number...
Yukari-chan!
I made it!
Fumiko Shiro's Daughter
...wasn't up there.
Yukari-chan?
I'm not up there.
My number...
It's not there...
What now?
I don't think I'll recover from this.
Yukari Takimoto
Saori Morikubo
We both did well at prep school.
Fumiko Shiro
Nothing is certain in this world, but I'm convinced you'll both be fine.
I guess I shouldn't be putting so much pressure on you.
But I'm sure Shiro-sensei will say the same.
Right!
We'll work hard.
I really thought so, to be honest.
I'm Fumiko Shiro's daughter.
One of the top students at the Fumiko Shiro Lesson School.
Maybe it was hubris that did me in.
I called my mother "Sensei" even at home.
I always kept a professional distance with my other teachers too.
I think...
But that's not the point anymore.
I didn't make it...
through the sieve that is the Awajima entrance exam.
Sorry, Sa-chan.
For what?
It must be awkward walking home with me.
That's not...
Well, yeah.
I'm glad you made it, though.
I mean it.
Yukari-chan...
I mean it, huh?
Do I really?
I'm not even sure myself, but it's what came to me in the moment.
What else was I supposed to say?
I'm so sorry!
I shouldn't have said what I did. It made you get your hopes up.
It was unbecoming of me as an instructor.
Sensei, please...
You're just rubbing salt in the wound.
It wasn't your fault she didn't make it, Kanae-chan.
She just wasn't good enough.
Well, Yukari? Want me to write a letter for you?
It wasn't as though I couldn't work my connections.
I could make it happen.
But that isn't a sure thing either...
"She's Fumiko Shiro's daughter."
"I bet she's going to take advantage of that too."
People would be annoyed by me.
But I could deflect it all with effort and talent.
So I hoped.
Sa-chan had gifts that I didn't.
I knew that plenty well.
This is because I took after Dad!
What was that, Yukari?
Did you need something?
N-No, it's nothing.
Or not.
I heard about Awajima.
It's too bad.
Yeah.
Sorry, Dad.
It wasn't Dad's fault.
Mom said it herself.
I just didn't have what it takes.
I was a good student, but that didn't make me exceptional.
Fumiko Shiro Lesson School
I've watched you grow since you were born, Yukari-chan.
Maybe I'm more biased than I thought.
Sensei, you didn't need to say that out loud.
Sorry, but I mean it.
Such kindness is nothing but cruel.
Shiro-sensei never would've said such a thing.
I'm very sorry.
I don't know.
Maybe...
My mother's presence might have been an invisible carrot dangling in front of me.
There are other girls in my situation.
Some of them came to our school to get away from it.
Sa-chan was one of them.
Saori Morikubo-chan.
You're amazing, Yukari-chan.
She'd often say that to me.
I came here because I didn't like people talking about me.
I was simply getting by in a lukewarm environment.
I was just convincing myself that things would work out somehow, Sa-chan.
Thinking things'll work out, finding out that they won't...
It took long enough for reality to finally hit me.
I'm such a fool.
What will you do, Yukari-chan?
Do you still want to keep fighting?
More cruel words.
I'd like to try again next year.
I bit my lip so hard it nearly bled.
I would probably regret it.
But what else was I supposed to say?
I just have to keep struggling until I give up.
Not as Fumiko Shiro's daughter, but as Yukari Takimoto.
She was a beautiful person.
She drew more attention than anyone.
I was convinced she was someone who'd end up a star.
Katsurako Ibuki & Emi Okabe
I admired my grandmother.
My beautiful grandmother.
Can I be like Grandmother?
I'm sure you will.
You need some straightening out.
If only you'd at least taken after Ruriko...
Too bad you had to look like that fox-eyed man.
I wouldn't say you lack what it takes, but you just don't have the flair.
I admired my grandmother.
She's so pretty!
You're right... She's gorgeous.
Her name's Okabe-san! I asked her!
Good going, girl!
Oh, shoot.
Well done, madam.
Right?
Keep the compliments coming.
I do declare!
This beautiful person's name was Emi Okabe-san.
I'm Katsurako Ibuki.
I'll be in the dorm room next to yours.
Feel free to ask me if you need anything.
Thanks.
I simply wanted to be friends with her.
She had beauty resembling my grandmother's,
and I wanted her approval.
To think of how much my grandmother would have envied her...
But Okabe-san was Okabe-san.
She wasn't my grandmother.
Still, she made me think of my grandmother.
Which is why I wanted her approval.
It's so hard.
I'm just not getting anywhere.
That's not true.
You were great as the witch in Sleeping Beauty.
Only because I have the face of a villain.
What now?
You're funny.
The witch is plenty beautiful.
You're beautiful too.
Someday...
Someday, we'd take the stage together.
Yet a dull, very dull, classmate took my spot.
The embodiment of mediocrity
who didn't even have her mother's connections like I did.
But she had a beautiful voice.
When she began her act, the room would fall silent.
So everyone knew from the beginning
that it was nothing but jealousy.
Looks like Okabe-san's getting the lead role in the joint class.
Fall Joint Class Twelfth Night, or What You Will
Viola
Okabe
Duke Orsino
Olivia
Sato
Onoda
But Onoda-san's playing the other lead.
Ew!
Come on, cut it out.
I hate to say it, but she's out of her league.
I know.
Maybe it should be Ibuki-san.
Or Hosaka-san.
I'd never make it.
In that case...
Have you never even seen her perform?
She's better than any of you.
It's not just your appearance that needs straightening out.
Your acting lacks flair too.
Mother!
There's more to an actress than just looks.
That goes without saying.
But it's the flair...
The expressiveness to draw the audience's attention to you alone...
That's what you're lacking.
I can't recall what I felt afterward.
Nothing mattered to me after that.
I was ruined.
Everything about me was destroyed.
Morning, Ibuki-san.
It wasn't as though someone decided we should all ignore her.
It was a tacit understanding.
Emi Okabe became more and more isolated.
A student who had connections with the Awajima Revue Troupe
stopped her from getting a role.
Emi Okabe became a nobody.
Soon, she became less than that.
Her very existence was erased.
Her admiration and accolades were nothing but fuel for spite.
And the ringleader was Katsurako Ibuki,
whose grandmother was a former star.
Her mother hailed from Awajima too.
She came from a family of elites.
The girls in her clique didn't have much personality of their own.
They followed along, taunting Okabe.
They did so deviously and cunningly.
Once the twisted emotions become the norm,
no one even thinks to question them.
Hey, I hear Kumada's still playing favorites with you.
Is that who you gave your virginity to?
Tabata-san...
Have you ever regretted coming to Awajima?
Central Hospital